A lot, says Alison Bezzina as she calls names to inattention.

The name ‘Cliff' is absolutely harmless, unless the child's surname is ‘Dingli'.

Way back in the 90s, when I was still in secondary school, I knew a girl called Filippa. With today's glasses on, the name Filippa is considered to be cool and trendy, but back then, it was pretty much equivalent to calling a 2009 baby Ġenoveffa. Surprisingly, Filippa was never picked on nor teased about her name. She had mastered this don't-mess-with-me-attitude back in primary school and nobody dared mispronounce her name, let alone make fun of it.

Another girl in the same school was called Wendoline. Apart from having steel-wool for hair, Wendoline's life was normal and promising. But then, as soon as she hit puberty, the window cleaner Windoline hit our supermarket shelves. The poor girl had a hell of a time getting through her teenage years. She got absolutely no respite: "Hey Wendoline, spit on my glasses will you?"; "Wendoline, that windscreen needs a scrub". Everybody's bullying and wicked streaks came alive at the sound of her name.

For all these years I've been carrying the contrasting stories of these two girls deep in my soul. I still find it disconcerting to know that the parents who knowingly risked their daughter's mental health came out of it unscathed, whilst the ones who went through the trouble of looking up (or making up) an original name with no pre-known repercussions had to witness their daughter's harassment for most of her character-forming years.

Wendoline's parents had no way of knowing that a decade after their daughter's birth, their carefully selected name would also be that of an infamous window cleaning agent. On the other hand, Filippa's parents must have known that the name that they were considering for their newborn was an ancient Maltese one, and that at the time, the only Filippas in Malta were over the age of 75. They also must have known that without the right attitude, their child would be picked on. And yet, they went ahead and called her that anyway.

Over the years, I've made a long (albeit never exhaustive) list of names that I would never give my child. I've also pledged to firmly stand in the way of family members who dare to name any relative of mine ‘Redent', ‘Joswyre' or ‘Ewzebio'.

For obvious reasons, in a number of cultures some names are, or rather should be, an absolute no go. In Malta for instance, the name Joshua, which is invariably abbreviated to Josh, should be banned, as should Dick and Willie in every English-speaking country. The same stands for calling your son ‘Russel', if his surname is ‘Fenech', and what qualifies as the worst possible combination of bad taste and inanity - ‘Jurassic Pace'.

When taking surnames into consideration, the whole situation becomes even more complex. For instance, the name Justin is a great name for a boy. It poses no issues when heard or read in isolation, but if a child's surname is ‘Said' or ‘Case', it's a whole different story - Just-in Said or Just-in Case would never hear the end of it. In Malta, the name ‘Cliff' is also absolutely harmless, unless the child's surname is ‘Dingli'. The same applies for the name ‘Pearl'. This is a lovely girl's name in most cases, but if her surname is ‘Haber' you have to wonder what her parents were (not) thinking.

This is what the real Pearl Haber had to say about it: "Ever since my father was a young boy he wanted to call his child Pearl. My mother was not very keen about it. She thought that other children would pick on a child called Pearl. But then, when I was about to be born, my parents agreed to wait until they knew my gender and then decide on a name. To cut a long story short, my father got his way and I got my infamous name Pearl Haber. The film never had anything to do with his choice since it came out when I was already 11 years old. Some children did poke fun at me when the film was released, but I've grown to love my name. I feel that it truly represents me. My father had been inspired by the historic World War II story of Pearl Harbour, and before the film was made, hardly anyone knew about that."

On a personal level, I consider myself pretty lucky. Those familiar with the whereabouts of Birkirkara would know about the green grocer called Ta' Damjan in Naxxar Road. 30 years ago it belonged to my grandfather, who just like his father, was called ‘Damjan'. My grandfather also called his first son ‘Damjan', who in turn called my eldest cousin ‘Damjan'. That was when I came along. I was the first female cousin born to that side of the family, and of course, it was automatically assumed that my parents would call me ‘Damjana' (cringe) to keep the tradition going. Somehow my mother managed to convince them all that ‘Diane' sounds just like ‘Damjana', and that assigning it as my third name would be good enough. As a result I am now called Alison Katherine Diane, Bezzina, and my late grandparents can rest in peace knowing that I too am carrying the family name.

Whilst there seems to be no official or legal structure to stop parents from calling their children silly names like Adolf or Dipstick, the consoling truth is that once you come of age, changing your name is a relatively quick and simple process. In Malta all you need to do is to file an application in the Court of Voluntary Jurisdiction and soon enough all your documents will carry your original atrocious name followed by your new chosen name e.g. Alison Bezzina also known as (aka) Damjana. The whole process costs a few Euro and, sure enough, a few annoying visits to the law courts, but if your father happens to be a mechanic and for lack of a better name ends up calling you Chassiemain, it's probably well worth it.

Name-calling

Anna Dick (pronounced Onnah)          Look her up on Facebook

Apple Martin                                        Chris Martin's and Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter

Bernard Madoff                                   The man behind one of the biggest frauds in history. Madoff!

Cupcake Brown                                   Author of the bestseller A Piece of Cake

Dee Zaster                                           Tattoo artist from Nevada, USA

Hopper Penn                                        Sean Penn's and Robin Wright's child

Leslie (Les) Plakk                                Korean Dentist working in the UK

Lucious Pusey                                      Football player with the Eastern Illinois Panthers

Owen Money                                        American stand-up comedian

Rufus Tiger Talylor                              Roger Taylor's son, also father to Tiger Lily and Lola Daisy

Sage Moonblood Stallone                    Sylvester Stallone's son

Shandy Lear                                        It could have been worse as Crystal Shandy Lear

Ted E. Bear                                          Boxer Max's father

Willie Cox                                            Creator of the Coxdome, Ireland